A Very Merry Dark Souls Christmas
by TMoe97
Summary: Lordran, a place filled with ghosts, dragons, and pretty much anything that can kill you without hesitation. The perfect place to celebrate Christmas. Join me, TMoe97, as I read you a jolly tale from my archives on one Lordran Christmas in particular. And yes, this is a How The Grinch Stole Christmas parody. Seath is the main focus (as I don't see him listed under characters).
1. Chapter 1

In a grand library, we see TMoe97 draped in the finest money can buy, smoking quietly on his pipe flipping through the pages of a book. Looking up, he begins to speak.

"Ah, I didn't see you there. What is it? The book? Ah, it's nothing, just pornography if you are truly curious. But that isn't what you are here for is it? If that is what you are here for...well, fuck you it's Christmas and I'm pretty sure you know several websites loaded to the brim with THAT kind of holiday cheer." Whispers under his breathe, "You sick bastard."

"Anyways, I thought we could take a look at one of my other selections that is more APPROPRIATE. Now, let's see." TMoe97 then began to go through his bookshelf, picking out books one by one.

"We have 'Don't Rock The Bed', no, that's porn. 'Santa Claus is (fill in the obvious) to Town, still porn, am I looking in the wrong section?" Faster now, "Porn, porn, Twilight, porn, oh for the love of-"

- Technical Difficulties -

"Ah here we are."

Pulling out a book, he set it down and blew off the dust. Then, with great care, TMoe97...flipped the book over to the right side, then went to page one. "Now I'm sure you will love this one, have you heard of Dark Souls? If not, it doesn't really matter, as even people who play the game still don't know what the fuck is going on. That is, unless you read the lore, like me. Anyways, this little ditty is called, 'How Seath Almost Screwed Christmas'. Let us begin."

How Seath Almost Screwed Christmas

Twas a very cold winter, here in the grand city of Lordran

But that doesn't matter, as this place isn't inhabited by man

Monsters roam this place, and crazy people too

And to be quite honest, the place reeks of poo

But despite all that, foretold undead are chosen

To help give gifts to all, and not to get frozen

For here in Lordran, they don't have a Santa Claus

For he was not foretold, why? Just cause.

So it is up to our heroes to spread the word

To every monster, dragon, and giant bird

That Christmas is here, and is here to stay

Unless, if Seath gets his way

Seath was always a grump, and not just because he wasn't immortal

But he despised Christmas, and laughed at it with an evil chortle

For no one ever visited Seath on this special time of year

Probably due to his guards, who keep anyone from getting near

So he looked down from his castle, onto the great white land

Sneering at the Undead, who came in bands

"Look at those idiots," he said with a glare

"They are giving gifts to monsters without a care!"

"Normally, the monsters would rip their freaking heads off clean!

Now everyone is smiling and drinking, this must be a dream!"

And as he sat, scowling more and more,

he thought to himself, "How can I settle the score?"

He sat there, pondering and pondering

And spent many hours, looking through books, wondering

Then he had it, a most ingenious coup

"If I can't have Christmas, I'll just take it from all of you!"

He devised to wait until night, when everyone was good and drunk

And steal all the presents, from the evil Gwyn to the goodly monk

"Soon, yes, soon," thought Seath with glee

"I will have my Christmas, just for me!"

Eventually, night fell over the peaceful city

And Seath slithered out of his castle, feeling quite giddy.

As quiet as a mouse, he snuck out onto the street

Careful not to knock over anything with his slithering feet

He made his way to the great chapel that housed Gwynevere

Knowing that presents were kept there every year

As he made his way up the steps, he found himself at the door

Slowly he pushed it open, wondering what was in store...

Closing the book, TMoe97 looks back to the audience. "Well, it looks like our friend Seath is a real dick, and may ruin Christmas for all in Lordran! Well good, because they ruined my fucking life when I forced myself to play the game to the very end and, yes, it may be easier after the Twin douchebag boss fight, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I almost suffered a heart attack several times when I was close to FUCKING DYING! GOD DAMN THIS PIECE OF-"

- Preparing the Sedatives, Please Stand By -

"Ok, I feel much better now, sorry for that rude outburst, that isn't really like me. Anyways, that is all for now and if you want to see the rest please leave a positive review and hey, give this a thumbs-up. That's right, I'm holding the rest of the story for ransom in exchange for likes. Or, if I feel like posting it, whichever comes first. And have a very, merry Christmas."


	2. Chapter 2

A Very Merry Dark Souls Christmas

Welcome back to this Christmas episode of odd proportions! If you missed last chapter, well just read the last chapter you lazy bum! What? You don't want to click a simple button and read the first chapter? Fine, since I won't wait for you I'll give a brief summary, and I do mean brief. Last chapter we learned that Seath is a douche and plans on wrecking Christmas, everyone gets drunk, and TMoe97 has an extensive porn collection. Speaking of TMoe97, I wonder what he is doing now...

Sitting in the exact same spot on his large chair, still draped in the finest money can by, TMoe97 is reading through one of his many books.

"How interesting...maybe I should try that later on," looking up, "JESUS! Don't sneak up on me like that! And where the hell have you been? I have been sitting here for MONTHS waiting on you, it's not even Christmas anymore! And you didn't even show up to my New Years Party, does anyone read their mail anymore?"

Pausing, TMoe97 gets up and goes to retrieve the story, which is again covered in dust. He sits down, and opens back up to where we last left off. "See? At least I remember things, like where we were in this story. And in case you were wondering yes, I was reading porn." Muttering, "I'm still surprised I have so much of it, what happened to my other books?"

Looking at the next page, TMoe97 exclaims in surprise, "Oh! This IS interesting." Leaning towards us, he says, "So, how do you guys like karaoke?"

How Seath Almost Screwed Christmas

Once the door was opened, Seath reeled in shock

Presents were littered everywhere, reaching the very top

Then, with a grin most unpleasant

Seath slithered forward, and started to take every present

-KARAOKE TIME BITCHES!-

You're a mean one, Dragon Seath

You send shivers down my spine

You're as huggable as the Discharge, and as comfortable as a (land)mine, Dragon Seath

You're a crystal sword that breaks, at the most unpleasant of times!

You're a giant monster, Dragon Seath

You're as troublesome as paying a tax

You have a monstrous soul, and are as deadly as an axe, Dragon Seath

I wouldn't touch you with a, 10-foot battle-axe

You're an ugly one, Dragon Seath

You have bits of Undead in your smile

You are just as deadly as the Douchebag Duo, who we know are very vile, Dragon Seath

And given the choice between the three of you, I would be running away for miles

You are a bother, Dragon Seath

And one I am not fond of

Priscilla is locked away, all cause you can't wear a condom, Dragon Seath

And if you were an object, you would be the atom bomb

You disgust me, Dragon Seath

With a super disgusting "gust"

You are a sight for sorer eyes, leaving the kingdom is a must, Dragon Seath

You are a foul assortment of tentacles that can only be found in Japanese manga, with a face that looks like it was run over, by a bus

Your a foul one, Dragon Seath

With a tiny, anorexic, bod

You shut yourself into hiding, and are hated by the gods, Dragon Seath

To describe you in three words I have, as follows,

"Big, ugly, fraud"!

- KARAOKE TIME OVER, DROP THE MICS BITCHES! -

Soon, all the presents were in each tendril

And, in the silence, he heard a yawn quiet shrill

Turning, he saw a drunken patron, looking at him with a blank stare

And in the spot, who was it you ask? Why, it was Solaire.

Seath, started stammering just like a fool

Think of a way to get rid of this tool

When, in a drunken stupor, Solaire just simply asked

"Why is it that you aren't drunk off your ass?"

Confused, Seath tried to think up a cause

Then, out of nowhere, he said, "I am delivering presents, for I am Santa Claus."

Solaire, knowing something wasn't right

Said, "Santa isn't foretold, only Chosen Undead deliver the presents here at night."

Cursing himself, for being so blind

Decided to skip this cliched reference, and knock Solaire out from behind

Then, he slithered back home, with all the wrapped gifts

And once he made it back, started to have giggling fits

"I did it! I have taken Christmas from all in the kingdom!

Now I will wait for their cries, oh, this will be fun!"

Soon, the sun was high in the once night skies

And everyone was waking up to Seath's special surprise

They looked inside the giant chapel, to notice everyone present was gone

From books, to armor, and even that new Xbox One

But then, as Seath was listening for there cries

He heard something, he truly despised

"Singing? Why do I here song?"

And looking down, he saw all of the creatures in a giant throng

Around the bonfire, linked hand in claw

Beautiful music coming from everyone's maw

"What the...how can this be?

I took all their presents, and even the goddamn Christmas tree!"

Seath sat there with a sneer most malicious

Wondering why no one was armed to the teeth, and looking quite vicious

Then, he saw the reason why no one was sad

Because, even without presents, there was still fun to be had

Beer passed hands, between one another

From mother to father, sister to brother

"Maybe, Christmas isn't about the gifts in the stores

Maybe, it means, something more."

And on realising what Christmas really means, they say

Seath's immortality crystal grew three sizes that day

Grabbing all the gifts, and fleeing the castle in a sprint

He resolved to give back the gifts, down to the last chocolate mint

He was received with open arms, people cheering in his wake

And was even invited to stay, and have a piece of Christmas cake

At that moment Seath was truly happy

And even started calling people his buddy, or even chappie

Seath finally had friends, and he shouted with all his might,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

Closing the book, TMoe97 looked at the audience. "Well there you have it, it looks like Seath wasn't such a jackass after all. I guess he just needed a hug. Well, I hope you liked this post-Christmas story, I know I did. Now, get the fuck out of my house, and please try not to trespass again. You're lucky my dogs are sleeping right now, but next time, I'm not so sure. Besides, I have a large collection of porn to eh um burn, that's right, burn."

Well we might as well leave TMoe97 to his porn burning, I hope you like this Christmas special. And if you did, please say so, I do enjoy reading your comments.

And.."Grrrrrrr..." wait, did you hear that? It sounded like, oh god! "Ruff ruff ruff!" Oh sweet christ he wasn't kidding! I'm getting out of here! Merry Christmas!


End file.
